Another baby shower, birthday party, or the joy of a child on Christmas morning. She loves all the children that she has in her life. She is so very blessed by each of them, but she yearns for more. Another test, another disappointment. Another doctor visit with no encouraging updates. She leaves the building with an urgency to escape all the young mothers arriving with their newborn babies for their checkups. She can’t bear to watch them. She longs for what they have. She makes the drive home and doesn’t remember how she even got there. The tears and pain cloud her memory and haunt her at night. The empty test that fills the garbage, each representing a new heartbreak. The unused boxes represent the desire for hope. But each time one of those unused boxes joins the endless flow of used ones, her soul aches. She lay in the tub for hours crying, begging God for the one thing her heart desires. She asks why not me God? Why can’t you give me a child?
Though she believes He doesn’t hear her, He answers each time, “Not now, my child. Not now.” She is blinded by her hurt and His words never make it through. I do my best to console her and assure her it will come when the time is right, and He is the only one who knows when that will be. I know she sits alone in her car and cries tears no one sees and as her mother, I do the same thinking of the hurt she endures. I want to assure her she will one day be a mother, but I can feel myself losing faith. I too am becoming deaf to His promise.
Days passed, months passed, and now years…
I watch my child smile in spite of the pain. She loves kids so very much and surrounds herself with many. At any time you will find a car seat, if not two, in her vehicle. She loves her nieces and nephews with all her being. They help to fill that void in her heart. It’s temporary because soon they will return to their own mothers, leaving her behind.
The doctor comes in with an option of medication and makes it very clear this will be the last option he can offer. I literally beg God to please let this be the time. Also blinded by my pain, I never hear, “Not now, my child, not now.” It’s a three-month trial that will take my precious daughter on an emotional roller coaster.
She calls and is so overwhelmed with joy. “Mom, my ovulation test is showing the highest it has ever been!” My heart instantly swells with hope. Maybe this is the time, maybe just maybe. The first month would prove to be disappointing but there is still hope with the consistent high ovulation tests. We hold our breath on the second go round, ovulation test still on the incline. She has a visit to check if this second round took. I hear her voice when she calls, and I know she feels defeated. I can’t help but question God. Why? Why won’t you give my baby the joy of being a mother? What can I do? You can take some years from my life, God, if you will just give her the opportunity to love her own child as much as I love mine. I am too hurt at this point to hear Him still.
“Not now, my child. Not now.”
The doctor tells her this will be the last round.
The third month would prove to be just as disappointing as the others. I watched my daughter’s heart break many times as young women around her became mother’s time and time again. She questioned God; I questioned him as well. I could not understand how this beautiful young woman who loves kids so much was being denied the joy a child brings to your life. The doctor tells her there is nothing more they can do.
She then resigns herself to the realization that she would never give birth to a child and begins the process of fostering to adopt. It took some convincing to show her husband that this may very well be her only option. His love for her would soon exceed any doubts he had. They completed all the classes, the background checks, everything that was needed to become a foster family. We gathered things for all ages and gender to accommodate a child being brought in at any moment. There was excitement in doing that. She had a baby bed, clothes, diapers … all the things a child would need. She would spend hours in that room organizing and waiting. She needed that child as much as it needed her. Before the final steps were taken, she decided to make one last attempt and find another doctor.
She arrived for her appointment with hesitation, questioning should she continue trying to have her own child? The hope was no longer there. It was long since replaced. She told the doctor about her journey and what led her to him. He listened and instead of telling her, “I don’t think we can do anything more for you,” he gave her hope again. He offered another three-month round of a different medication and her heart sunk. Another long road with the same outcome.
The first month, there was little promise. Her ovulation levels were high, which to anyone else would have been encouraging, but she had passed the reality of false hope. In December 2022, me and my daughter went to Hobby Lobby to pick up some of the Christmas decorations that had been put out for clearance. I was standing in the aisle and I saw a Christmas plate and cup for children to put cookies and milk out for Santa. I grabbed them both and put them in my cart. My daughter asked why was I buying it. I told her I am claiming that you will have a child in the new year … and somehow I could feel it in my soul. I knew then that God was going to give my baby her heart’s desire.
March 2023, I received a phone call I will never forget. It was one of those life-altering moments, the ones you long for and thank God for. I was blessed with two of these surprises, one from my oldest daughter and now finally, after all the years of negative results, God had answered our prayers in the form of a little stick with a pink plus on it. I couldn’t do anything except scream as tears of joy ran down my face. I remember looking at my daughter and seeing the joy in her eyes. Those eyes have been so sad for so long. Amid all of this, I heard Him say, “Now is the time, my child. Now.”
We all doubt. We wouldn’t be human if our faith didn’t waver now and again. We are impatient and it is often hard for us to understand why we aren’t getting things in life that others around us abound in. But I can say this today: believe in God’s timing. Believe in His power and Grace. We get impatient and doubt him when things don’t go how we want them to. We forget everything that we cannot rush God to fit into our timeline. Instead, we must wait for Him to perfect that which He has started in us. He has already spoken and his words shall never go void.